I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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