She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
