after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
