well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
