i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
