Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
