I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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