He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Actions speak louder than pants.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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