yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
