omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
