Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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