i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
