I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
