Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize