I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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