genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
