Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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