She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
