Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The feeling are messing with the penis
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
