Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
