he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Drunk is not a location!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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