Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
