I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize