You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
