Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
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