I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
