i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
