Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
