i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
