and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So much Jack, so little girl.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
