Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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