Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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