Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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