Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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