I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
