I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
