no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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