fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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