in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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