96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
