Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
