My liver just broke up with me...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
