A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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