1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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