Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
