There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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