i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize