Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
