I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You are the jesus of drinking
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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