I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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