He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
