buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
