You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
