i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
