why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
