I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
