shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
