I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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