i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
