it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
