she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
