When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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