mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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