Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
